All of Me (Rock Me Book 1) Read online

  Walk away, Tilly. Remember why you left in the first place. You live in completely different worlds. Baristas and rock stars don’t mix.

  It’s hopeless.

  Kai’s eyes refuse to let me go.

  He stares for what feels like an eternity. His expression isn’t welcoming, but it isn’t dismissive. It’s blank.

  I wish I knew what was hiding beneath his raised eyebrows and widened eyes. I hate not being able to read him as clearly as I used to. I pushed him away until we reached this point. The blame is entirely on me. But seeing that woman all over him at the after-party forced my hand. I had to leave.

  Still, the thought of being virtual strangers has tears blurring my vision once more.

  A hundred questions fly through my mind. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

  A barstool is placed between us. The roadie who brought it smiles at Kai. She slaps him on the shoulder, whispers something in his ear, then rushes off stage. The taciturn lead singer nods once, blinks, then brings the microphone back to his perfect lips. He gestures to the chair. “Sit.”

  Turning his back, Kai replaces the mic in the stand and retrieves an acoustic guitar from nearby. In a swift movement that speaks of years of practice, he slings the strap over his head until it molds to one shoulder. Toned muscles ripple and shift like clouds reflected in the water.

  I’ve caressed every ridge and valley of that gorgeous body with my fingers, mouth, and tongue. I gave myself over to it and thanked God for each moment.

  Hastily, I wipe away tears.

  Kai strums a few chords, makes some adjustments, them strums again. His long hair falls into his face, begging for me to brush it away.

  Stop. You left him, remember?

  Perching myself on the barstool isn’t easy in a tight pencil skirt. But eventually, I’m seated on the very edge of the chair, wishing I was anywhere else.

  My gaze is transfixed as Kai teases soulful notes from the strings of his guitar. His expert fingers working the instrument remind me of the hours he used to spend worshipping my body. The memory is a punch to the stomach. I brace myself, but it doesn’t ease the excruciating hurt.

  Head down, brow furrowed, he starts playing.

  The opening chords are soft and sweet. They’re a gentle caress by a long-lost lover. Kai nods in time with the rhythm, his fingers stroking the guitar.

  His love of music is obvious in the way he holds his instrument. He’s got the voice of a fallen angel. It teases and lures until listeners are so immersed, they forget reality. His talent is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he can share it with the world, and a curse because it meant the end of us.

  The progression of the song grows more complex and intricate. The rhythm increases, and notes entwine until his fingers become a whir. Then he raises his head, steps close to the mic, and sings.

  Holy fuck.

  His voice is low and husky, but there’s an edge to it I haven’t heard before. Laced with frustration and despair, it’s powerful. The contrast between his soulful vocals and the rapid strum of chords is confusing, yet somehow, it makes perfect sense. Like a beautiful storm, he peels back the layers of my soul one note at a time.

  I recognize the song. I’ve cried myself to sleep to it countless times. It’s about emptiness and broken promises, an impossible future tarnished with regret. As usual, it conjures the familiar question of what if?

  What if I’d stayed at the after-party ten minutes longer? Would Kai have pushed the groupie away? Or would he have claimed her mouth like he used to claim mine? What if I hadn’t thrown his heartfelt words back at him? What if I believed the truth in his eyes, rather than chased the deception I was certain lurked beneath? What if I wasn’t me and he wasn’t him? What then?

  Despair locks my limbs in place, forcing me to remain where I am. Broken and confused.

  When Kai reaches the high notes, the accusatory words pierce the armor I’ve erected around myself these past twelve months. He’s hurting, I get it. But fuck, I am too.

  Wrapping my arms around my middle, I beg not to fall apart.

  Not here.

  Not now.

  Not in front of Kai.

  I force my gaze away and glance at Steph. Tears are streaming down her face, and she’s holding her hands to her chest as though being proposed to by her dream guy. The dude next to her, the one who spilled his drink on me, is doing exactly the same thing. Together, the crowd sing along like the lyrics are ingrained in their DNA.

  The final strum echoes through the speakers, and everyone quiets. For a brief, wondrous moment, all is silent. Then, one by one, fans applaud. Soon, the room is filled with a raucous noise so loud, the pounding rhythm shakes my ribs. It trembles and echoes in the gaps between them.

  After thanking the audience, Kai removes his acoustic. The same roadie as before miraculously appears by his side and takes it from him before replacing it carefully on the stand.

  Kai turns, his stare electric as it meets mine. He saunters over, his measured strides closing the distance between us. His expression is determined, like a predator hunting its prey.

  I’d run if I could get off the barstool without falling flat on my face.

  When he reaches me, he holds out his hand. No words are spoken, but the slash of his eyebrows says enough. I dare you, he warns. I fucking dare you to walk away from me.

  Chapter Four

  “Take his hand,” Steph screams. “For the love of all things alpha hotness, take the man’s hand, Tilly.”

  “Girl, if you don’t, I will,” someone else chimes in.

  Quirking his head to one side, Kai watches me. “You heard them. What’s it gonna be?”

  My gaze darts between his open palm and schooled face. It would be so easy to slip my hand in his, to entwine our fingers like we used to. To follow wherever he leads, knowing our destination is irrelevant because he’s by my side. Only, I know the destination, and I’m not cut out for it. That dream ended a long time ago.

  “I’m fine. I’ve got it.” Gracelessly, I slide from the stool.

  “You don’t deserve him!” people cry. “Take my hand, Kai!”

  “Stubborn as always,” Kai growls.

  I attempt to pull myself together by straightening my black skirt. My sweaty hands do little to flatten the creases. Next, I tuck in my sweater, since it rose up at the back when I sat down. The movement has my shoulders squaring. Meaning, my breasts press against the soaked material of my sweater.

  Kai’s gaze drops to my chest.

  Please don’t let my nipples show.

  It narrows.

  Give me some semblance of dignity, God. Please.

  His jaw ticks.

  Jesus fucking Christ.

  “Come on.” Taking my hand, he leads me from the stage.

  Our touch sparks a zap of electricity. Shockwaves dart the length of my arm, and goose bumps follow. Chest tight, I bite the inside of my cheek, fighting back the memories. Kai’s worshipful touch, our soul-shattering lovemaking. Each painful vision slams into me like a deadly tsunami. Hopeless, drowning, I clutch him tighter.

  When we enter the darkened wings, he lets go and says something to the roadie. With a decided nod, the lithe girl with blonde, braided hair darts away.

  Kai’s bandmates clap him on the shoulder. “See you out there,” the broadest one grins, walking past. The other winks, following.

  Out of the shadows looms a mountain of a man. He looks vaguely familiar.

  I try to think back to where I’ve seen that narrowed gaze, tight mouth, and those massive arms. But for the life of me, I can’t remember. All I know is, he’s not part of the band.

  He stares at Kai. Intelligent caramel eyes then flick to me, a snarl forming in the corner of his mouth. Crossing his arms, his biceps bulge against the material of his shirt. “You know what happened last time.”

  Kai’s grip on me strengthens. “It’s none of your damn business.”

  He dips his chin. “It will be if it fucks with your sound. Again.”

  “I pay for you to produce my album, nothing else,” Kai grits out. “If I want your advice, I’ll ask for it. Now get the fuck out of my way.”

  But the stranger doesn’t move. He fixes Kai with a warning stare. “You’d better be ready for tomorrow. I’ve got bands and managers blowing up my goddamn phone every hour of the day.” He pauses. “I won’t be fucked around.”

  Kai squares his shoulders. “I’ll be ready.” Striding past him, he gestures for me to follow.

  I do as he asks, wanting to put as much distance between me and the growling man as possible.

  The roadie returns, cheeks flushed and gaze bright. She hands Kai a sweater before disappearing again.

  “Put this on.” Kai holds out the hoodie. His band name is on the front in large, red letters.

  Grateful, I take the sweater and throw it on. After pushing the hood back and straightening the two strands of hair that came loose from my bun, I finally meet his gaze.

  Christ, I’ve missed him. “Thanks.”

  He nods, gaze unswerving.

  Biting my bottom lip, I gesture to the stage. “Shouldn’t you be performing?”

  His expression darkens. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  “Um—”

  Kai shifts closer. “Am I making you nervous?”

  I step away.

  He shifts closer still.

  I move again but have nowhere to go. I’m backed into a corner. Large hands press against the bricks on either side of my head.

  Kai leans forward.

  The tip of his nose brushes mine, and I gasp.

  “Listen to me carefully,” he rumbles. “You’re gonna stay right where you are. You’re not gonna move a motherf
ucking muscle until this set’s over. When I walk off stage, you’re gonna be standing here, waiting for me. We clear?”

  Hell, no. There is no clarity whatsoever in this scenario, you crazy, sexy, deluded man.

  “Don’t make me hunt you down, Tilly, because I will.” Kai straightens, his sharp blue eyes clashing with mine.

  I say nothing.

  He notices my silent defiance, and his jaw hardens. “I’m serious. If you’re not here when I get back, there’ll be hell to pay.”

  Warm lips skim the length of my neck.

  “I mean it.”

  Throwing back my head, I bite the inside of my cheek until the metallic tang of blood floods my mouth. Don’t make a noise. Don’t make a noise. Don’t make a noise.

  Kai groans. “You always did smell like sugar.” He pushes away. Turning on his heel, he points to the security guards standing watch side of stage. “She stays. Don’t let her out of your sight.” Without a backward glance, he saunters from the wings and into the light.

  I’ve got to get out of here.

  Chapter Five

  I try to sneak past security. Like my other half-dozen attempts, the moment I reach the hallway, a guy the size of an army tank miraculously appears and blocks my path.

  He shakes his head. “No can do. I’m under strict orders for you to stay here.”

  Taking my phone from where I slipped it beneath the waistband of my skirt, I wave it in front of his face. “But there’s a family emergency.” There’s not.

  He levels me with a flat look. “No.”

  Heartbeat erratic and breathing shallow, I grasp the neck of my hoodie with my free hand. “I’m having an asthma attack. I need to get my inhaler.” Partly true. I am finding it hard to breathe. But it’s because Heathen is performing their encore. They’ll finish any minute. Kai is going to walk off stage, misinterpret my presence, and I won’t trust myself when he does. As much as I want the hurtful memories to fight off my attraction, my body falls victim to his closeness. There’s only so much a girl can take before she gives in. “Please, I—”

  Security crosses his arms. “I said, no.”

  Panic crawls up my spine.

  The guy tips his head. “You gonna get that?”

  “Huh?”

  He indicates to my phone. I’m clutching it tightly, my white knuckles stark against the flashing screen. I scan the message.

  Steph: Where the fuck are you? Heathen is tearing up the stage. You’re missing it!

  Me: I’m in lockdown. Can’t get out.

  Steph: What?!

  Me: Kai said I had to wait for him until the set’s over. Security has been eyeballing my every move. I’ve tried stealth, brute strength, bribery, and sickness, but nothing works. They keep dragging me back.

  Steph: Why would you run? Girl, KAI MOTHERFUCKING JENNER WANTS YOU. Wait for him!

  Me: He doesn’t want me.

  Steph: He eye-fucked you the entire song. I should know, I was ogling his fine self the whole time.

  Me: You’re reading too much into it.

  Steph: Pftt.

  Me: Did you pftt me?

  Steph: Pftt. All the pffts. You’d better be ready for mind-blowing sex, because that’s what’s coming your way the second he walks off stage.

  Me: There will be no sex with Kai. Period. And I’m not leaving you by yourself.

  Steph: I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Worry about the state of your lady parts. You’ve shaved, right?

  Me: This conversation is over.

  Steph: You haven’t, have you? Jesus, there’s probably cobwebs and dust mites down there.

  Me: I said, this conversation is over.

  With trepidation teasing my insides, I tuck the phone in the waistband of my skirt. Since I didn’t bring a clutch, it’s the only place I can safely stash it.

  The audience is chanting encore for the second time as I lean against the brick wall. It’s frustrating because a part of me wants Heathen to keep playing. I’d much rather be here on my own—security guards excepted—than in the presence of Kai. However, the other part of me wants him to get his ass off stage so I can go somewhere and sit down.

  I’m exhausted.

  Heathen saunter off stage. Three sweaty bandmates swagger into the wings, confidence exuding from every step.

  “Epic show, man.” The drummer grins. He thumps Kai on the back with a beefy hand.

  “Damn straight. We killed it out there,” the guitarist agrees. He punches Kai’s shoulder good-naturedly.

  Only, Kai doesn’t pay attention to either of them, because his eyes are busy scanning the darkness. They don’t stop in their deliberate sweep until they land directly. On. Me.

  Oh, God.

  I go to step back but can’t. There’s nowhere to go.

  Intensity rolls off him in waves. As though channeling his inner tempest, he moves toward some guy with a clipboard and mutters something—gaze pinned on me.

  Clipboard Guy’s eyes widen. He goes to reply but Kai holds up his hand, stopping him.

  With thunderous eyes and an even stormier expression, the man who tore my heart apart strides over.

  Stupidly, I remain where I am.

  When he reaches me, he towers over my small frame. In a low, deliberate voice, he rumbles, “You’re still here.”

  Chapter Six

  I lick my bottom lip. “You didn’t give me much choice.”

  He watches carefully. The tip of his index finger brushes my cheek, making me shiver.

  I glance away.

  “Your friend’s getting backstage passes to meet the boys.”

  My eyes dart back to his. “Steph?”

  “She was the one who entered your name in the contest, right?”

  I take in his perfectly symmetrical face. He’s so damn beautiful. “I guess. She never told me about it.”

  He stares in that perceptive way of his. It cuts me open and lays me bare. “I’ll have one of our drivers take her home afterward.”

  Now he’s being thoughtful, but I don’t want him to. I want him to be broody and distant. I need him to be the rock star the world knows so I can protect the remnants of my heart. Because if he keeps this up, I won’t have the strength to remember who I am and what I need. I won’t have the strength to walk away again. “Thank you.”

  Kai shrugs. The movement draws my eyes to his sweat-soaked chest. Even in the dim light, I can make out droplets of perspiration beading his tan skin.

  “Miss me?” There’s a rough edge to his voice that wasn’t there a second ago.

  “No,” I lie.

  He leans in close, his full lips brushing my ear. “I don’t believe you.” Straightening, he presses a finger on my parted mouth. “I missed you.”

  “Don’t.” My voice, my body, they shake. “Please, don’t.”

  He shifts back slightly, jaw tight. Kai grasps my chin. “You always did fight me on fucking everything.”

  “I....” My tongue, desperate to taste him, darts out to wet my bottom lip. “I’m sorry.”

  Kai’s nostrils flare as he drinks in my features. His voice drops to a low murmur that used to belong only to me. “It’s been a long time.”

  Dying inside, I can’t speak.

  “You haven’t changed.” He shifts his gaze to my awful updo. “Even when you try to hide, you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

  Since there’s no way I can compute the second part of his sentence without having an internal meltdown, I focus on the first. “I’m not hiding.”

  He raises an eyebrow and, with his free hand, pulls the hoodie away from my neck. With a pointed stare, Kai gestures to my ruined sweater.

  “I….”

  After waiting longer than necessary to prove his damn point, Kai releases his hold, and the hoodie snaps back into place.

  I grasp the material close to my chest, needing the warmth.

  “You’re always hiding,” he growls. “You hide behind what you wear and what you say. You show people the version of yourself you think they want to see, because you’re so fucking terrified of letting anyone see the real you. You run from situations when they get too hard, because you’re frightened of what’ll happen.” His heated breath whispers across my flushed skin. “And do you know what?”

  I shake my head.